On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. - Tom Lehrer
If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. - Tom Lehrer
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. - Tom Lehrer
Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. - Tom Lehrer
If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while. - Tom Lehrer
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! - Tom Lehrer
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year. - Tom Lehrer
Life is a piano what you get out of it depends on how you play it - Tom Lehrer
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. - Tom Lehrer
There used to be certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now, you can say them, but you can't say 'girl.' - Tom Lehrer